Day 05:

A time you thought about ending your own life.

I'm going to try to keep this one short. I had a boyfriend in high school. I think of him like I think of a scar. Ugly and permanent. Never able to quite forget it. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. He threatened physical violence on multiple occasions. People like that are fucked up, and they really know how to mess with a person's head. I went into that relationship strong and independent and level-headed. I left it damaged and weak, not able to fully trust someone for a long time. I won't bore you with the details, but he had finally gotten to me. I couldn't take it anymore. I had all sorts of crazed rationalizations. I bitterly consumed alcohol to make it go away like I had seen in all of the movies and shit. That's what you're supposed to do when you are too afraid to speak to someone, but you really hope they notice...
After the alcohol took effect, I took what I think to be at least 65 aspirin. 1 hour later my head was burning and ringing.I got sick and threw most of it up. The aspirin had dissolved and burned my throat and teeth up so that they were rough. I could only hear the ringing. I told Michael, then my friend, that I didn't want to go to school that way and he had soon found out why because he didn't take no for an answer. He carried me to class. I was far too drugged and in way too much pain to move, and the noise in my head kept me from concentrating. It's like sirens and mosquitoes combined and constant. I eventually went to the guidance counselor, who eventually called my mother. She never looked at me the same way for years.

It is something that I am deeply ashamed of. I have come to terms with the event and the reasons behind it, but I just prefer to act as though it never happened at all. I prefer to ignore that day of the year. I prefer to ignore the hideous scars on my psyche in the hope that they will heal to the point where I will have forgotten the entire thing. No one I know talks about it either. Because it never happened...